So you’ll have to forgive me, I’m a few glasses of wine in – but the best blog posts come after wine, right? I like to write a lot of lists here on the blog. I know that people like lists because I like lists. I like reading about things that drive people crazy at the gym or the office or why they love living alone or whatever it may be, I enjoy that – it’s an easy read. It’s certainly not a substantial read though. It doesn’t fill me up. It doesn’t make me think. Whether or not I have the ability to write anything that will fill people up or make them think is still up for debate, but I’ve decided that I write lists when I’m scared of writing anything else – when I’m scared of writing about what’s really going on in my life.
This blogging thing is hard, writing about how you really feel and knowing that friends and loved ones may read it, people who you’re writing about may read it – that is TERRIFYING. But here I go…
When is it time to move on from a relationship? How do you know when you’re ready? When you’re so removed emotionally from the previous relationship that you can freely and willingly give your emotions and heart and very possibly body to someone else – how do you know when you’re there?
How does someone get over that? How does someone move on? I want so badly for it to work between us. Right now, it’s not going to work. We have different desires, we have different goals and we have different things we want to experience.
I’ve come to the realization that the fact that we want different things right now doesn’t make me love him any less. I dedicated my heart and life to Justin for 6 years, and then for another 6 months after we broke up when we both wanted so desperately to make it work. But it can’t work. It can’t work right now. But how does one move on from that? From giving yourself, your whole self to someone?
You just do.
It sucks. It hurts. It’s torture frankly. But you just do. You decide that what is best for you is not waiting around for this person who doesn’t know what they have when they have you. Who isn’t willing to put the effort forth to make this work. I tried for so long. So long. To make this work. But you can’t make a relationship work on your own, as badly as I wanted to, it takes two. I can’t make him want to be with me, I can’t make him work at our relationship no matter how wonderful I think it will be. I can’t make him love me.
I’m told constantly by friends who love me that I don’t even know what’s out there – that I need to get out there and explore what’s available. I’ve always known that I didn’t want to explore what was out there because I DID know what I wanted, but maybe I was wrong. Justin and I spent the first 6 months of being “broken up” working on us – funny how that happens. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that… But really, we tried. We’re just not there. We made the decision to break up on March 7th. It’s October 16th and I’m finally getting past the denial. Do I want to be with Justin? Am I broken hearted and crushed? Of course I do and of course I am. But being broken hearted and holding out for Justin – that’s not doing me any good anymore.
As broken hearted as I feel, I’m finally to the point of realizing and accepting that maybe there is someone out there who can heal these wounds.
I moved out of the apartment we shared 6 months ago – I know I can live without Justin. It’s a matter of believing that someone else can make me happy. I know there is someone who can. So here I am, putting it out there and making an effort to find someone new. Being broken hearted and lonely isn’t something I want to partake in for the rest of my life.
So here’s to me. Here’s to doing things on my own and with my friends. Here’s to moving on with my life even when staying is the easy and comfortable thing to do. I deserve more than easy and comfortable and I’m going to go find it.